7:40am/10:40pm
i need to get this down now. the world came crashing down on me last nite. more specifically about 9000 miles of world came crashing in on me. THE GIRL told me that she wasnt sure that she wanted me in her life. harsh words that were explained in a extremely late night online discussion. she wasnt up to a phone call, cuz she didnt want to cry and be weak. i've never known her to be weak, and i dont ever see her being weak. i'm torn about my feelings now. it was easier when it was fresh and the wound still open, now with the passed 4 or so hours, my head keeps saying evil things. things that in my heart dont believe, but that my survival reaction keep saying. things that friends last night were saying to me that i really shouldnt have listened to. but they were trying to help.

THE GIRL and i are not really in a different place. i think. i mean. i foolishly tried calling her a few minutes ago, and yes i know she didnt want to talk, and yes i know i shouldnt have called. but heres what happened:
*ring* (a groggy) hello?
hey.
*silence*
angie?
*more silence and then a click*
duh. lets call again. hmm busy. duh. lets try AGAIN. no answer.

what the fuck was i expecting? i shoulda known better. and truthfully i dont know what i was gonna say. twas a stupid move on my part.

we're friends. we'll always be friends cuz i'm too nice of a guy to not let that continue. she is having problems with a bunch of things and one of them is that i'm not there. she really wants a boy who's there. not someone who's 9000 miles away. the phrase she used which perhaps puts it all down is "i'm not sure if i want you in my life." no wait. that was the harsh version. the explanation was "should i pass something up thats here and could be good while waiting for something that might never happen or work out?" which is a paraphrase, but the gist of what she was saying. see, theres a boy there. this co-worker who just started a while back and he and her get along great and have lots in common and she likes him. damn it. a cynical part of me which was egged on by a friend online thinks that she did this so she could feel less bad about making a move on him. the thing i need to make clear is that when we began our little journey months ago, the deal was that i'd have to persuade her that it would work, and that in the meantime, there was the real world to consider, and that if someone came along for either of us, we werent bound to each other and so forth. in the mean time, we had a chat where we had said that we would feel REALLY bad if we did anything with anyone cuz of our relationship. so, this really doesnt change much of things, its just a harsh reminder that we have a long road ahead if it is to work. and right now i'm not sure what i want. again thats a whiplash reaction.

i mean, i was scaring her cuz my feelings for her are much much stronger than hers are for me. why that is? i dunno. i'm not gonna say. it wouldnt be fair for me to speculate, let alone speculate on this soapbox. i also should reiterate that at this point, we're still friends, we're still in the running to go for a face to face romance, its just taken a turn thru some deep deep mud. unless i'm misreading her words and she really doesnt want this to work, but she had plenty of opportunity to say that, and she didnt.

right now i need to go to work.

8:29pm/11:29am
its tiring right now. i worked like 10 hours and then didnt wanna be at home cuz of my headcase situation. now i'm talkin to THE EX. so this is an early post for once... *:)

Secret Message: this space intentionally left readable. actually this space is just plain dumb now that i've not had a secret message in a while... soon i'm sure...