i had thought i could get away with not commenting on THE GIRL's new boyfriend. unfortunately my unconscious reached up and throttled me as i was trying to get to sleep tonite. after an hour of tossing/turning/crying, i decided that i best try and put something down while i had thoughts.

bear in mind these words are being written while in a highly agitated state of mind.

SPAETZLEGIRL's advice to me on the whole THE GIRL seeing someone thing was pretty simple.
>you have two choices;
>A) to be happy for her and celebrate in her happiness
>B) or become depressed and upset

so of course the recommended course is that i choose A) and be happy for THE GIRL and so forth. especially since the physical distance between us is immense. and if i could, i would certainly do that. but i have no happiness in me to use to be happy for HER. i have nothing to be happy about. nothing. all i have is work and that certainly doesnt bring joy into my life. sure i have great friends, but its just not the same. i think i could only be happy for her if i had happiness to share, but the amount of happiness in love that i've experienced has gotten me this far since breaking up with THE EX, and i believe that well is dry.
maybe i just dont understand what love really is, and maybe i'm expecting more than i should from it. all i know is i've been tossing/turning/crying the last hour while trying to get to sleep, and here is the theory i've arrived at. like charlie brown's little sister used to say "i just want my fair share. i just want whats coming to me." and GODDAMN IT. i deserve some happiness. but i've just not gotten any.

its not like i had a relationthip with her, but it was the hope of a relationship that seems to have died.

maybe i just want too much. see, if you've read the vacation entries, you'll know that i did a lot of thinking about things. one of the things i arrived at is that i have a deep emotional investment in both THE GIRL and SPAETZLEGIRL. and having THE GIRL be seeing someone really puts that investment at risk. and of course we all know that SPAETZLEGIRL doesn't feel the same way about me that i feel about her. so both investments are pretty much in the high risk category.
now its like i have nothing to hope for. and now i'm left with nothing.

so i came to the realization that i am a hollow man. nothing but a shell ... a husk. its just not fair. i was always a good boy, and i did everything that was expected of me. and have i reaped any benefits? not the ones that really mean something to me. sure, i've got a nice job and a nice fat paycheck and parents that spoil me materialistally. but the reality is that right now i want an emotional happiness. and i just dont have it. if i were to fall off the face of the earth today, very little would happen. sure there are a few things at work that would experience some issues, whoop-di-fucking-do. my friends would all wonder where i went, but their lives would go on. my parents would wonder, but they've got their own issues to deal with. there would be NO ONE who would really really care. thats the worst part of it.

and i think the part that hurts, the part the feels the worst of it, is that i had thought that THE GIRL had cared more about me than she obviously does. she should have known by the tone of my entries about her, by the emails to her, how i was feeling. and that i certainly had more feelings about her than 'just friends' but that didnt stop her from putting me down with a swift thrust and rip to the heart. no 'yeah, i've been hanging out with this guy i used to have a crush on, and i think he likes me.' nothing like that. just a 'i'm seeing someone' and i think that hurts the most. i'm assuming that THE GIRL knew that this would hurt, and when she wrote that she was confused and so forth, i had hoped it meant she was torn in her heart between me and her new boy, but the cynic in me does not believe that was where her confusion lay. i think her confusion was more from guilt about what she knew would hurt me. and when she wrote 'it would be much easier if you were here' i hoped it meant that that if i was there we would be having a relationship - again the cynic thinks she meant it would be much easier to break this to you. but then again, i'm in a hurt place and lashing out is just easier.

i've vented. but will i be able to go to sleep? i dont know.